Leading with Less Noise and a Bigger Mirror

When most people hear the word leader, they picture someone at the top of the organizational chart; someone who makes the decisions, signs off on the budget, and has an impressive title in their signature line. But the truth is, none of that makes someone a leader.

True leadership doesn’t come from authority or position. It doesn't come from the tasks you carry out or the results you deliver. It comes from personal alignment, an agreement between who you are, what you stand for, and how consistently you show up in your interactions with others. This alignment begins with one critical foundation: self-awareness.

Today's real crisis in leadership is that we continue to promote individuals based on tenure or success in their current role, not on whether they possess the personality traits or core skillsets that define authentic leadership. We confuse strong performance in one job with leadership readiness. Then, once promoted, we send these individuals through training programs that focus almost exclusively on building business execution skills (like strategic planning) over human connection skills (like emotional intelligence and self-awareness). Without such, their leadership behaviors are built on shaky ground.

Think about it...How can you build trust with your team if you can't articulate WHY someone should trust you? How can you lead others through a crisis if you don't first understand your own stress triggers? How can you inspire confidence if you're unaware of how your presence makes others feel? This is where self-awareness starts; it’s the internal work of recognizing your behaviors, understanding your emotional triggers, and taking responsibility for your impact on others, which is not achieved through external validation. Genuine self-awareness requires you to be honest with yourself, even when uncomfortable, and adjust your approach in service of them.

Research shows a startling gap between the perception and reality of self-awareness. While most people believe they are self-aware, only about 10–15% truly are. It’s important to understand that self-awareness isn't about having strong opinions or being able to back them up with data and logic, and it certainly isn't about 'being right'. Those qualities may demonstrate confidence or expertise, but they don't necessarily reflect an understanding of how others experience you.

This gap between perception and reality has real consequences. When leaders lack self-awareness, it can erode trust, strain relationships, and lead to decisions that miss the mark. Teams feel the ripple effects through disengagement, miscommunication, and emotional fatigue.

Leadership doesn't fail because people lack good intentions; it fails when people do not understand how others receive their intentions. Aligning intentions with understanding can only happen when leaders pause, reflect, and allow themselves to hear what may be hard or what their egos don't want to admit about themselves.

Authentic leadership begins the moment you’re willing to ask yourself the hard questions that peel back layers and reveal not just what you do, but why you do it:

What do I believe about myself as a leader—and is it actually true? This question pushes beyond ego and reputation. It's an invitation to confront assumptions, examine the stories we tell ourselves, and get curious about how others experience us. Believing you're a good listener doesn't mean your team feels heard. Believing you're supportive doesn’t mean others feel safe. The power of self-awareness lies in the gap between your self-perception and the perception of those who follow you, which is then measured by your willingness to hear it and act on it despite your belief in its accuracy.

*All too often, I hear leaders say, "There's no way they could say I don't listen to them", or "My team knows they can count on me to get them what they need", only to get feedback from the team that is contrary to this. The real tragedy is when you make a leader aware, and they still won't believe it.

How do my values show up in how I lead others? Everyone has values, but values without agreement with behaviors are just words. This question requires reflection on whether your daily actions, reactions, and decisions reflect what you claim matters most. Do you value transparency but withhold information? Do you say people come first, but lead with urgency over empathy? Your values are only as strong as the behaviors that bring them to life.

What leadership behaviors do I default to under stress, and are they helping or hurting? Stress reveals the truth. It peels the polish away and reveals your natural reaction, whether control, avoidance, defensiveness, or micromanagement. This question forces each of us to understand if our default behaviors protect our ego or serve our people. These default behaviors will naturally surface unless you take the time to understand them, control them, and allow them to be replaced with more intentional choices...Creating space to respond rather than react.

The most effective leaders are not carbon copies of each other, nor do they try to fit into someone else's mold. Instead, they are grounded in what matters to them, because they KNOW what matters to them. They know their values and use them as a compass, especially when things get hard. Moments of reflection from past experiences deepen their self-awareness, which, in turn, guides them to a place of responding rather than reacting. Then, as equally well, they know their blind spots, allowing them to be more adaptive and effective in their approach.

The hardest and most time-consuming part of all of this? In order for 'self-awareness' to be effective, the leader must understand the individuals they lead. This takes time, and it takes effort. It's not enough to understand yourself, but you need to know how you will be received by those who follow you. Those who have unique personalities, experiences, and values that may be quite different than their own. This reflects the variability in how your "default" will land with them. When leaders know their followers, they can apply what they've learned through self-awareness to adapt their approach in the most effective and resonating way. This flexibility doesn't come from theory but from practice, reflection, and a willingness to grow...one conversation at a time.

Leadership isn't a role you step into. It's a reflection of the person you are when doing it. Leaders who want to influence and inspire those around them start by working on the hardest aspect of leadership, which is first looking in the mirror and truly knowing themselves.

#leadershipisapersonality #simplyputleadership #drmarcyadams