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The Essence of Belonging: Being Oneself vs Fitting In

The profound statement, "If I get to be myself, I belong. If I have to be like you, I fit in," captures the essence of two contrasting human experiences: belonging and fitting in. This quote encapsulates the tension between authenticity and conformity, two forces that frequently pull us in different directions in our personal and professional lives.



Belonging is a fundamental human need, intricately linked to our psychological and emotional well-being. It refers to being accepted for who you truly are—embracing your individuality, quirks, and all. When you belong, there is no pressure to change your inherent attributes to be accepted by a group or society. This kind of acceptance provides a deep sense of security and support, fostering environments where creativity and growth can flourish.


Conversely, fitting in is often about assimilation—altering aspects of yourself to meet the norms or standards of a group. It's a survival mechanism, a way to avoid rejection by conforming to expectations. However, fitting in can be exhausting, as it may involve suppressing one's true self. This often leads to a shallow sense of connection that lacks the depth and resilience of true belonging.


On the surface, "fitting in" can give the illusion of a harmonious work environment, where uniformity in behavior and thought leads to smooth operations. However, in a toxic culture, this facade of sustainability can unravel when one realizes that such conformity has come at the cost of suppressing diversity and authenticity. It often comes as a surprise to realize that a management style that doesn't allow for individuality can quietly erode morale and innovation, as it prioritizes homogeneity over genuine inclusivity.


Leaders who emphasize fitting in might inadvertently promote a culture of sameness, inadvertently dampening innovation and diminishing job satisfaction. This approach can contribute to burnout and turnover, especially in healthcare, where the unique perspectives of diverse professionals are critical for delivering comprehensive care. By contrast, leaders who champion a culture of belonging enable their teams to express authenticity, which is fundamental to building trust and loyalty. This atmosphere not only enhances team morale, but also enriches patient care by harnessing a wide array of insights and solutions drawn from the varied experiences of each team member.


Creating a culture of belonging requires leaders to be self-aware and to appreciate the unique contributions of each team member. It calls for active listening, empathy, and the encouragement of open dialogue. It also means recognizing, accepting, and celebrating differences, whether they are in opinion, lifestyle, or working style.


In the quest for true belonging, it is essential to seek out environments and foster relationships that value you for your authentic self. In such spaces, you are empowered to share your thoughts, contribute your ideas, and voice your concerns without fear of judgment or exclusion. These are the places where you do more than merely exist—you thrive. By reflecting on whether you feel free to express yourself and be who you truly are, you can discern whether you are just fitting in or genuinely belonging.


The quest for belonging over fitting in is not just about personal contentment; it's about creating an environment where every individual has the opportunity to contribute their best. When we prioritize being ourselves over mirroring others, we build communities, workplaces, and societies that are rich in diversity, creativity, and resilience. As a leader, we have the responsibility to create this environment for those we lead, to create the most successful environment for our organization, and a place in which our patients get the absolute best from us.


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